There May Be Hope

Last night I went to the grand opening of my CrossFit box’s new box (so now they have 2 locations).  I was filled with anxiety over going.  I haven’t been there in 8 (ok more like 9 now) months and was worried about if I would know anyone anymore.  Then there was concern over the people I did know thinking “you’re still injured?  Really?  Milking it a little bit, no?”  Or that they wouldn’t remember.  Or that basically they’d be like “what the fuck are you doing here, you quit”

All silly fun irrational low self esteem feelings.

But, I went last night, because when you’re an addict, you go for what ever fix you can get.  And I admit it.  I held a bar bell.  I grabbed it from the rack and just held it in the rack position and man have I missed that feeling! (Not to mention the new barbells they got for that place are really nice.)  I also may have grabbed my beloved 14# wall ball and given a toss to the fancy schmancy new 10ft target they have (again at our old box it’s just a piece of tape on the wall indicating where you have to hit it).

And then nice things happened.  People missed me.  They wanted me back.  One of my old coaches (who isn’t an owner and gets no financial gain from me returning) said I was one of the strongest girls there.  He thought (incorrectly, but still nice to hear) that I had the heaviest deadlift.  And that I should come back soon and not to be worried about how much strength I lost because I really haven’t lost as much as I think (I’m not so sure about that, but ok).  Yes my engine is gone and will have to be rebuilt, but it will come back and it will come back quicker than how long it originally took to get there.  I know it’s dumb to care about this, but it actually made me feel good about myself, that people asked about me while I was gone, they want me to come back, and that they believe in my physical capabilities because those are all things that I don’t believe in myself.

Then the owners put their money where their mouth is.  They said when I’m ready to come back, they will work something out for me so that I can afford it.

I’ve never been athletic.  I’ll never be the “best” at something and that’s OK.  But these guys.  This community, they have a way of making you feel like a badass no matter what you do.

I don’t really know what the point of this post was.  I guess maybe just that there’s hope.  I’m still not in a great place yet, but I can start to see the path that leads out of the darkness and that’s something.